Author: Heinz

NOV-DEC, 2019 ISSUE Vol 40, No. 6 #1184

This issue of the TCF Marin Newsletter is sponsored by love gifts from our members.
Our Co-Leaders:
Eileen and Ed Rusky
erusky@gmail.com
Facilitator:
Mark Rosengarden
TCF Marin Monthly Meetings:
Group meetings will be held on the third Monday of the month from 7:30 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. at the Lucas Valley Community Church.
2000 Las Gallinas Avenue
(at Lucas Valley Road)
San Rafael, CA
First time attendees are encouraged to arrive at 7:00 for orientation. All attendees arriving before 7:00 p.m. are asked to sign in and be seated in the lobby until the meeting room is ready. The TCF Newsletter and informational pamphlets will be displayed for attendees to browse.

Save the date!
23nd ANNUAL
THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS’
WORLDWIDE CANDLELIGHTING CEREMONY
Sunday, December 8, 2019, 7:00 pm
Unity of Marin, Hamilton Field, Novato, CA
Please join us to commemorate all children of all ages who have gone before their time.
For the 23nd year, this deeply moving ceremony will celebrate, remember and honor the children who have died leaving behind family and friends searching for answers and support. Together we will share the joy of having known them and the sorrow of having lost them.
Starting in Greenwich, England at 7:00 p.m., participants light their candles to remember the children and, in our small way, to push back the darkness of loss. Then, heading westward as night comes to each community in turn, more candles are lighted in remembrance. As the world turns, the ceremony creates a virtual 24-hour wave of light passing from time zone to time zone all around the planet. This powerful tradition unites family and friends around the globe in remembering those who left us too soon. Pg 2
At Unity of Marin, the ceremony begins at 7:00 p.m. When you arrive, we will greet you at the door with a program and candles to light. Please bring a photograph of your loved one to share at the front of the room. During the course of the ceremony, each of us will light a candle to remember and celebrate a child we have lost. Afterward, TCF will host a potluck for all who wish to remain and participate; feel free to bring something to share.
Sponsored by
The Marin County Chapter of The Compassionate Friends
www.tcfmarin.org * (415) 457-3123

Meeting Calendar
Third Monday of the Month:
Monday, November 18, 2019
Monday, December 16, 2019
Monday, January 20, 2020
Monday, February 17, 2020

TCF RESOURCES:
TCF Marin County, CA Chapter
P.O. Box 150935
San Rafael, CA 94915
www.tcfmarin.org
https://www.facebook.com/groups/36595597804
Info: Eileen Rusky (415) 457-3123
TCF San Francisco and Peninsula Chapter
Meets: 2nd Wednesday
Taraval Police Sta. 2345, 24th Ave
Contact: Audre Hallum
650.359.7928, cwhallum1@mac.com
Co Leaders: Meg Cunningham, Doug Cameron
TCF Sonoma County Chapter
tcf.sonomacounty@gmail.com
(707) 490-8640
Northern CA Regional Coordinator:
Nancy Juracka
nancy_juracka@yahoo.com
TCF National Office:
P.O. Box 3696
Oak Brook, IL 60533-3696
Phone: (630) 990-0010
Toll Free: (877) 969-0010
Fax: (630) 990-0246
Email: nationaloffice@
compassionatefriends.org
www.compassionatefriends.org
Additional Support Sites
opentohope.com
survivorsofsuicide.com
griefspeaks.com
Other Grief Counseling Resources
Hospice by the Bay offers individual
and group grief counseling.
Free monthly drop in 1st Thursday 11am-12pm 17 E. Sir Francis Drake, Larkspur.
Marin and SF (415) 526-5699
Sonoma (707) 931-7299
Email: griefsupport@hbtb.org
Website: www.hospicebythebay.org
North Bay Grief Recovery in
San Rafael
www.NorthBayGriefRecovery.com
Ph.: 415-250-3027
American Foundation for Suicide
Prevention
www.afsp.org Ph.: 707-968-7563

Honor Your Child at the Candlelighting Ceremony
Many of you have attended in the past and seen the very moving slide show honoring many of our children.
If you are interested in having your child included in this wonderful ceremony, please contact Radha Stern at radha-stern@msn.com and provide her with (1) a clear photograph of your child, (2) your child’s name, (3) your child’s birthday, (4) your child’s date of death.
To participate, the deadline to supply the above information is Monday, November 25, 2019.

A Painless Way to Support our TCF Chapter
TCF Marin survives largely on generous love gifts throughout the year and at the Candle Lighting Ceremony in December. But there is another way to support TCF-MC that is easy and painless. That is, whenever you purchase something from Amazon, if you do so through Amazon Smile, .5% of the purchase price of selected items will be sent to TCF-MC automatically.
It’s easy, it places no additional economic burden on you or your family and, when enough of us participate, it will add up and TCF-MC will be stronger and be able to provide more services.
To shop at Amazon Smile simply (1) go to smile.amazon.com. If you have one, you can use the same account on Amazon.com and AmazonSmile. Your shopping cart, Wish List and other account settings are also the same. (2) On your first visit to Amazon Smile, smile.amazon.com, (3) just select TCF-MC to receive donations from eligible purchases before you begin shopping. Amazon Smile will remember your selection, and then every eligible purchase you make at smile.amazon.com will result in a donation. Eligible products are marked “Eligible for AmazonSmile donation” on their product detail pages.

Carol’s Corner
by Carol Kearns, PhD
author of “Sugar Cookies and a Nightmare”
Columns for The Compassionate Friends
I have found great solace volunteering for The Compassionate Friends, a hard-working group that supports families seeking “the positive resolution of grief following the death of a child” (www.compassionatefriends.org). My columns discuss topics of continuing concern in the Marin County CA newsletter. - Carol

How Can We Care For Ourselves After The Death of Our Child?
This is a frequently asked question and most important. We all know how lonely we feel after our child's death. For others, life continues on and we can't even figure out what to buy at the grocery store. Our life must go forward as well but how? We may have other children to care for and yet we can hardly get out of bed. Just getting dressed is a struggle. I would like to offer a few suggestions that have helped me and some of my bereaved clients.
First, we must break things down. All we need to think about is what must be done -- getting children off to school, paying bills or making meals. We can step back from our volunteer or social commitments. We probably cannot step back from work. Hopefully, you are in a supportive environment where work can be a refuge from the chaos of your personal life.
Second, pamper yourself as much as you can given inescapable commitments. This can be as simple as a bubble bath, a walk with a friend, massage, nap or curling up with a good book. Appreciate that you may not feel like doing any of these but it is important to try. Our energy is low when grieving, even if we've had eight hours of sleep. Grief is exhausting!
Third, just because people ask questions about our child's death, we don't have to answer them. Some people mean well and some are just curious. This is especially true after the death of our child due to murder or suicide. We can simply say, "I'm sorry, I just don't feel like talking about it." Or, "It's too painful for me to talk about my child's death." If they persist, and friends won't, they are asking for themselves not you, and I would simply walk away.
Fourth, the holidays are just around the corner and we may be already dreading them. Appreciate that you can do something different and meaningful. Please go to my web site, www.carolkearns.com, and search for the "Carol's Columns" link. There are a few articles on grief and the holidays that I hope will help.
Fifth, do not turn to drugs or alcohol. We want to do anything to lessen the pain, but this is not the answer! I can't stress this enough. In my practice I have seen too many people add even more pain to themselves and the family already in pain, because of complications from alcohol and drugs. Seek help from a therapist experienced in grief issues instead.
Sixth, it's okay to say "no." This is one important way to reduce stress, even if our child hasn't died. How many times do we do things we don't want to do because we don't know how to say no? This gets tricky after our child's death, because we may have a tendency to isolate and that's not good either. Finding the balance that works is important.
See Page 7...

Our Children Remembered, November, 2019
Child	Dates		Bereaved

Alana Teresa Alioto			John Alioto
Bret William Baumgarten			Bobbi & Dan Baumgarten
Kristen Leigh Bonocore			Joseph & Phyllis Bonocore
Jonathan Eugene Brilliant			Girija & Larry Brilliant
Joey Burger			Bob & Darlene Burger
Max Hart Chappell			Jeanne Vukasovich
Jason Paul Ewing			Harry & Josie Ewing
René Garcia			Bertila, Carmen & Jose Armando Garcia
Vincent Alfred Hinds			Henry & Ginny Hinds
Rodgrigues Julian			Connie Rodrigues
Kristen Michele Kearns			Dr. Carol Kearns
Trey Lagomarsino			Mike Baxman & Susan Kim
John Francis Lino			George & Marianne Lino
Michael J. Lockwood			Barbara Lockwood Albertoni
Alia Rose Jackson Mehta			Gail & Roy Jackson
Jakob Montoya			Michelle Padilla-Goode
Kayden Montoya			Michelle Padilla-Goode
Amanda Jacqueline Noland			Cecile & Doug Noland
Katie Okura			Ginny Anderson
Rebecca E. Pabst			Alan & Virginia Pabst
Alexander Rayburn			Mindee & Steve Rayburn
Carrie Jean Esler Rollison			Judith Esler
Nevra Rubenstein			Janet Rubenstein, Zev Rubenstein
Susan Rudolph			Jackie Martin
Marc Paul Seregin			Sonya & Paul Seregin
Cary Warren Smith			Patsy Curry
Robert Craig Wilson			Mary C. Fishman

NOVEMBER'S DAISY
Sunlight dancing on the giggling swirl of water, Transfixing my gaze with playful interplay of Light and now color as a daisy floats through. Round and round in an eddy twirling, cavorting, Then jetting out with a mind of its own, Hitching on a current faster and faster toward Roaring - still dancing, flirting boastfully with the World around. Faster floating toward the Sound of falls, faster arriving, tumbling Lost in the mist, but still there, just now Unseen floating now peacefully in gentler currents Beyond my eyes. A memory. A beautiful, sweet, Dancing memory. Vivid and vague, sharp in the sun, Lost in the mist my daisy, my sweet, precious Daisy. Bob November 13, 1996
For Kirsten
REMEMBERING KRISSIE
Dear Krissie, Thought I'd write you a letter... Time has dimmed the memory Of that gray November day. When God reached down His loving hand And carried you away. I do not know the reason Why this had to be. I only know, when my day comes, Reach out your hand to me. Grandma Michel November 13, 1980

Our Children Remembered, December, 2019
Child	Dates		Bereaved

John Charles Berges	12/20/1966	01/04/2001	Mary Berges
Stephen Anthony Castaldo	06/16/1962	12/18/2013	Joanne Castaldo
Matthew D. Cevallos	04/27/1970	12/28/2006	Moe & Gloria Cevallos
Blake Coffman	12/21/2000	04/17/2019	Ellen & Fred Coffman
Travis William Cole	03/31/1984	12/14/1997	Kingston Cole
Chelsea Faith Dolan	09/14/1983	12/02/2016	Colleen Dolan
Michael Anthony Dollwet	12/04/1980	02/01/2005	Ronald & Joan Crook
Errol Friedman	09/11/1997	12/03/2018	Jeff & Barbara Friedman
Charli Mae James	12/02/2015	04/18/2018	Samuel Davis-Flake
Bowen Kader Johnson	12/18/1996	10/13/2017	Julie & Brian Gordon
John Nicholas Klingel	12/25/1967	01/30/2003	John & Karen Klingel
Natalie Jane Kriebel	12/30/1996	03/26/2019	Amy Holle, John Kriebel
James Scott Lambert	01/02/1972	12/29/2015	Linda Hicken
Ruth Dasha Goldie Levy	12/14/1980	02/23/2001	Shary Levy, Arthur Levy
Albert Levy	12/02/1973	10/14/2016	Shary Levy, Arthur Levy
John Francis Lino	11/08/1960	12/25/1988	George & Marianne Lino
Jakob Montoya	12/26/1998	11/21/2018	Michelle Padilla-Goode
Alexander Sol Olive	05/16/1981	12/01/1985	Judy Olive
Nicolas James Pitti	12/19/1985	05/11/2014	Robert & Rose Marie Longoria
Ruby Rhea	05/09/1969	12/17/2010	Bertha Jean Schmidt
David Arthur Ross	12/30/1961	02/25/2001	Arthur & Joan Ross
Michael Kevin Sadler	02/14/1980	12/03/2016	Kathy Miles
Casey Sandvick	12/15/1978	10/30/1991	Rich Sandvick
Robbie Severdia	12/03/1973	04/01/1990	Deedee Severdia
Adam James Parks Steinberg	06/05/1991	12/02/2018	Ella & Steve Steinberg
Jackson Jonathan-Michael Talbott	06/12/2000	12/09/2017	Meghan & Jason Talbott
Gabriel Alexander Whooley	08/29/1999	12/14/2017	Monica Whooley
Gregory Brian Wilhelm	12/07/1983	01/29/2017	Patricia & Roger Wilhelm
Kendra Elizabeth Young	10/15/1984	12/03/2017	Betsy & Bryant Young

Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. Buddha
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Only a moment you stayed, but what an imprint your footprints have left on our hearts.
Dorothy Ferguson
___________________________________________________________________________
“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.”
William Shakespeare, Macbeth
__________________________________________________________________________
“I will not say, do not weep, for not all tears are an evil.” J.R.R. Tolkien

Love Gifts are “messages” published in our newsletter that honor children who have died. We are grateful to parents, grandparents and others who, by their Love Gifts donations, allow us to offer resources such as the Annual Candle Lighting Event, the newsletter, books, brochures and pamphlets at no cost to assist bereaved families. They also allow us to provide information to professionals and others who impact the lives and feelings of the bereaved. The donation amount is your choice.
Love Gift Form:

We have received the following Love Gifts for the Nov/Dec newsletter. _________________________________
Donor/s: Mary Fishman
Child: Craig Wilson
Dates: 10/25/56 - 11/21/83
“Never, ever, forgotten”... Mom
Donor/s: Elizabeth & Gene Wright
Child: Nathan Hall Wright
Dates: 8/8/85 - 6/21/19
Donor/s: Eve Pell
Child: Peter McLaughlin
Dates: 10/4/62 - 4/18/17
“Missing you always.”
Child: Daniel McLaughlin
Dates: 8/12/60 - 9/20/19
Donor/s: Ellen & Fred Coffman
Child: Blake Coffman
Dates: 12/21/00 - 4/17/19
“The pain of losing you is unimaginable.
We love you so much and miss you."
Donor/s: Margrit Pettipas
TCF Marin on Facebook
_________________________________________
Our Facebook page is a “Private” group, meaning that all posts and responses are visible only to the registered members of the group. We are free to have group discussions without the general public having access to our posts.
Please check the page out at https://www.facebook.com/groups/36595597804/?ref=bookmarks
__________________________________
Children’s Memorial Boulder #6
The names have been chosen and the foundry is working on the final plaque. Once the butterflies are cast and attached it will be time to dedicate the memorial. We will let you know when that is planned. Thank you all for your patience. It has taken a long time to get all the names together.
_______________________________________

Love Gifts

Deadlines for Love Gift information for Newsletters:
Jan/Feb issue Dec. 15 Jul/Aug issue Jun. 15
Mar/Apr issue Feb. 15 Sep/Oct issue Aug. 15
May/Jun issue Apr. 15 Nov/Dec issue Oct. 15

Child’s name ___________________________ Donor’s name ____________________
Child’s Birthdate & Anniversary Date ________________________________________
Newsletter month ___________
Message ______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
Include your name, address and phone # if not on check in case of questions:
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
Mail the information above along with your donation (check) made payable to TCF/Marin
to: TCF/Marin c/o Love Gifts, P.O. Box 150935, San Rafael, CA 94915.

From page 3...
Seventh, keep a journal. Initially, when our child dies, the pain is so great we feel we can hardly breathe. With time and some serious grief work, we have better days but when a dark day again hits us, we feel like we've not made progress, and no matter how hard we try, are only going backwards. The journal can remind us of all the days in between when we did feel better.
Eighth, be careful about sanctifying your deceased child. This can complicate the grief of siblings who end up with jealousy on top of their grief. My son once said to me, "Mommy, why do our friends all have pictures of Krissie and not me?" I was shocked but relieved that he addressed this. I answered, "Sweetie, that's because we have you, but we don't have Krissie anymore. If you had died, they would have your picture and not hers."
Ninth, if your spirituality is important, now is the time to turn to it. Some find great comfort in their beliefs and others are so angry at God, they have no comfort at all. I was reminded by a very spiritual woman after Krissie's death that it was okay to get angry at God. He may be running the show but you don't have to like it!
Tenth, if you have a creative outlet, please turn to it. So much of our pain is ineffable. Our creative side, whether it's painting, music or poetry can be a way of facilitating healing. Having always been a painter, I went into my studio and found myself crying more than at any other time. Through my creativity, I was able to reach levels of pain that I couldn't through words alone.
These are only a few suggestions. You may have ideas of your own that have helped you. If you would like to share them with others or if you have any questions, please contact me at: carol@carolkearns.com. Take good care of yourselves.
Copyright © 2014 Carol Kearns. All rights reserved.

Children’s Names on the 6th Memorial Plaque
JJ ADKISSON 4/2/96 - 7/15/16
SONJA NICOLE BRITT 7/10/72 - 12/19/05
ANTHONY B. CARMIGNANI 8/7/83 - 7/30/11
MATTHEW JASON COMIN 7/21/87 - 3/31/18
ANTHONY GREGORY DONELSON 1/20/89 - 12/24/12
KENNETH FECTEAU 11/3/72 - 9/15/17
(RYAN) STEPHAN MICHAEL FYLES 3/18/76 - 6/11/17
JOHN B. HOGAN 6/12/86 - 7/8/11
MARK C. HORNOR 3/4/70 - 7/16/16
IAN EMERSON JONES 8/11/92 - 3/4/15
DYLAN CLARKE KRINGS 6/12/94 - 1/18/17
ALBERT ARTHUR LEVY 12/2/73 - 10/14/16
RICHARD C. MANNHEIMER JR. 6/27/61 - 8/22/10
ALIA ROSE JACKSON MEHTA 3/30/78 - 11/27/14
JIMMY NORTON 9/2/65 - 2/24/78
WALKER REZAIAN 5/6/05 - 3/4/11
JAMIE ROSENGARDEN 3/2/88 - 10/26/09
THEODORE JAMES RUSSELL 2/17/99 - 6/16/18
MATTHEW E. SEREGIN 4/20/01 - 3/13/03
RAILEE NAOMI SILVIS 8/18/16 - 10/26/16
ZACKARY SPENCER STUART 5/15/93 - 4/9/16
ISABELLE QUINN van BERGEN 8/22/95 - 10/27/11
BREKHUS ALAN WILLIAMS 7/16/88 - 4/19/18
BRANDON YOUNG
DANIEL ZAHARIA ASHKENAZY 9/7/84 - 1/14/04
ROBERT EMMETT BROCKMAN 8/9/63 - 4/16/14
MICHELLE GAYLE CARTER 5/3/78 - 7/2/17
CHELSEA FAITH DOLAN “CHERUSHII” 9/14/83 - 12/2/16
NINA EMBERVINE 1/11/85 - 6/5/17
MATTHEW PAUL FINZEN 2/18/88 - 5/12/17
DANIEL ZENE GETTLER 5/3/91 - 5/20/16
ALECIA ANNE MARIE HOPPER 9/26/74 - 8/30/17
MINA HORNOR 1/5/10 - 7/16/16
RACHEL MIRIAM JULIUS 9/12/83 - 9/8/09
TREY ELLIS LAGOMARSINO 11/28/89 - 1/23/13
SABRINA ELIZABETH LEW 2/23/88 - 5/3/18
CHANCE PIERRE MAURER 8/9/98 - 10/18/16
ERIC TODD MINER 10/13/66 - 8/21/16
LINDSY O. QUINBY 5/9/82 - 1/21/12
CARRIE JEAN ROLLISON 11/15/71 - 4/14/14
JORDYN ROYALL 8/2/99 - 6/2/18
COLIN EDWARD SCHRECK 8/5/76 - 2/17/17
MARC E. SEREGIN 4/20/01 - 11/19/08
NICOLAS F. SIMARD 9/26/03 - 5/26/16
ANDREW SWIG 2/7/89 - 2/4/17
GABRIEL WHOOLEY 8/29/99 - 12/14/17
FRANK WILRIDGE JR. 3/14/83 - 12/9/07
VICTOR ROBINSON ZENOFF 7/19/62 - 7/12/80
CODY BENNETT 8/2/92 - 1/19/14
MILLER HEATH BUTTLES 12/7/13 - 12/7/13
MAX HART CHAPPELL 11/24/91 - 2/11/11
DAVID BRADLEY ETLING 5/21/99 - 5/4/18
WILLIAM FIVIS 1/30/90 - 6/29/14
VERONICA FRANCESCA GIUDICE 10/25/06 - 9/8/10
ALEXANDRA M. HOPPING 4/23/91 - 4/17/11
CARL HUNGERFORD 1980 - 2018
EMMA KRISTEN KEARNS 10/27/13 - 10/27/13
SCOTT LAMBERT 1/2/72 - 12/29/15
MICHAEL ALLEN MANNHEIMER 6/18/62 - 7/10/19
BRIAN DAVID MIXSELL 1/14/86 - 10/14/17
JUSTIN DANIEL REYNOLDS 9/23/79 - 2/13/98
ERIC RONKA 1986 - 2014
WARREN JAMES RUEHLE 7/20/01 - 2/8/19
KYLE ARRON SCOURBYS 1/1/91 - 6/6/15
RICHARD EDWARD SIELERT 2/19/64 - 7/12/14
ADAM JAMES PARKS STEINBERG 6/5/91 - 12/2/18
JACKSON JONATHAN-MICHAEL TALBOTT 6/12/00 - 12/9/17
GREGORY BRIAN WILHELM 12/7/83 - 1/29/17

Non-Profit Org.
US Postage PAID
Larkspur, CA
Permit No.41

The Compassionate Friends of Marin County
P. O. Box 150935
San Rafael, CA 94915

NOVEMBER—DECEMBER, 2019
Copyright © 2019 - All Rights Reserved
The Compassionate Friends, Inc.
Dated Material - Please Deliver Promptly

Empty Places
I drove the old way yesterday.
It’d been a while, you see.
And there, without a warning,
the pain washed over me.
I drove the old way yesterday
and sadness came on strong,
taken back by so much feeling,
since you’ve been gone so long.
Places seem to lie in wait
to summon up the tears,
to say remember yesterday,
those days when you were here.
Places where you laughed and played
are places where I cry.
These places hold the memories
that will live as long as I.
Genesse Gentry
TCF Marin County, CA
In Memory of Lori Gentry “Stars in the Deepest Night : after the death of a child”

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